Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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