she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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