You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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