lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
