I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
