when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
