We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
