We won't sleep together?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
