I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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