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So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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