i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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