Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My vagina is very pro this idea
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
