we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
