My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
