Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm bleeding and have questions
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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