There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
