He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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