all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
it was like having sex with a tree stump
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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