answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
