watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
