After last night, I could never be a politician.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
