If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
