doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
