I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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