pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
