GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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