Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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