I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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