Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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