i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
