you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
