Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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