Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
