It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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