If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
