that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
