you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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