the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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