I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
