Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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