how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize