My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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