I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
