During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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