You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
