there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
