those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
