Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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