I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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