I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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