my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
This is my gift to your gina
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
