so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
